MUCOLYTIC

The Sunday sermon was, Forgive Your Enemies, and toward the end of the
service, the precher asked his congregation," How many of you have forgiven
their enemies?"

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80
percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All
responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you
please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person
can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

They all died. "I outlived them all!"

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?

2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?

3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How?

5. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

6. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

7. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?

8. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

9. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.What happened?

10. HIGGS’S PIGS
Farmer Higgs owns three pink pigs, four brown pigs, and one black pig. How many of Higgs’s pigs can say that it is the same color as another pig on Higgs’s farm?

11. PENNIES FOR SALE
Why are 1984 pennies worth almost twenty dollars in 1994?

12. POP AND GRANDPOP
Tom says his grandfather is only six years older than his father. How is that possible?

13. THE TRAMP AND THE TRAIN
A tramp was walking down a railroad track when he saw a fast express train speeding toward him. Of course, he jumped off the track. But before he jumped, he ran ten feet toward the train. Why?

14. A HARD-BOILED PROBLEM

If it takes twenty minutes to hard-boil one goose egg, how long will it take to hard-boil four goose eggs?

15. HEAP TOUGH PROBLEM
A big fat Indian and a small thin Indian were sitting outside a teepee, each smoking a pipe. The little Indian was the son of the big Indian, but the big Indian was not the little Indian’s father. How come?

16. THE MISPELLED WORD
Somewhere in No. 7 there is a word that is not spelled correctly. Can you find it?

17. FLAPDOODLE’S WALK
Archibald Flapdoodle walked outside through a pouring rain for twenty minutes without getting a single hair on his head wet. He didn’t wear a hat, carry an umbrella, or hold anything over his head. His clothes got soaked. How could this happen?

18. STAMPS TO STUMP YOU
It takes twelve one-cent stamps to make a dozen. How many four-cent stamps does it take to make a dozen?

19. MRS. FUMBLEFINGER’S FUMBLE
Mrs. Fumbleringer was working in the kitchen when a loose ring, with a big diamond on it, slipped off her finger and fell smack into some coffee. Strange to say, the diamond did not get wet. Why?

20. THE SNEAKY WAITER
At Sloppy Joe’s Restaurant a customer was shocked to find a fly in his coffee. He sent the waiter back for a fresh cup. After his first sip, the customer pounded on the table and shouted: "This is the same cup of coffee I had before!" How could he tell?

21. THE KING AND THE ALCHEMIST
One day, centuries ago, an alchemist brought a small bottle to the king. "This bottle," said he, "holds a liquid so powerful that it will instantly dissolve anything it touches." How did the king know the man was lying?

22. THE PURPLE PARROT
"I guarantee," said the salesman in the pet shop, "that this purple parrot will repeat every word it hears." A customer bought the bird, but found that the parrot wouldn’t speak a single word. Nevertheless, what the salesman said was true. How could this be?

23. There are 5 apples in a basket and five people in a room. How can you give an apple to each person in the room and yet leave one apple in the basket?

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL.

THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM
IS $30,

SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE
ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3
GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND
KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM,
WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27,
ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.


WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

Atom Bomb
-----------------
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
-----------------
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat
-------------
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look
forward to the trip.

Opportunist
-----------------
A person who starts taking a bath ifhe accidentally falls into a river.

Miser
--------
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father
---------
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal
------------
A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

Boss
--------
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician
--------------
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor
----------
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

LORENZ's LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your
nose will begin to
itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an
engaged tone.

CANNON'S KARMIC LAW:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW:
If you change queues, the one you have left will
start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

BELL'S THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are
with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle
arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when
you're near the
mailbox.

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the
right chair?

If yes, try this simple experiment.

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an
open window.
Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the
situation:

1) If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks
- PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

2) If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
- PUT THEM IN THE ENGINEERING

3) If they are arranging the bricks in some other order
- PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

4) If they are throwing the bricks at each other
- PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

5) If they are sleeping
- PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

6) If they have broken the bricks into pieces
- PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

7) If they are staring out of the window
- PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT

8) If they are sitting idle
- PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

9) If they have thrown the bricks out of the window
- PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.

10) If they are clinging onto the bricks
- PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

11) If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has moved
- PUT THEM IN SALES.

12) If they have already left for the day
- PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

AND last but not least....

13) If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved
- PUT THEM IN "TOP" MANAGEMENT

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he
came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by
an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said
the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one
condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will
inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be
pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She
was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously
attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him
during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her
and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no
longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was
careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near
dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his
eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty
crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I
don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked
over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he
noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied
to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that
was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken
bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after
the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the
ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to
bedpost."

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating
grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We
have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two
children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them
along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer
answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to
the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place; the grass is almost a foot high!

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be
the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should
be the one to keep the child.

So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this
child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through
a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same
question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine
and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me
or the machine"