MUCOLYTIC

1. Her face was a perfect oval,like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head,making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty,genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as,like,whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories,hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7;00 PM instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement,,just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate,the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,one having left
Cleveland at 6:36P.m. traveling at 55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 at a
speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who has
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so loong, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look,the kind you get from not eating for
a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,either,but a
real duck that was actually lame....maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully enPointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke,he thought he heard bells,as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidently staple it to the
wall.

(A women's month special)


1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you! And spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

(Thanks, Bayi, for all the forwarded jokes. These are not luxury but a sore need. I now bestow on you the disntinction of being an honorary woman!)

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it aw! ay.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, retires their
old CEO and
hires a new one. This new boss is determined to rid the
company of all
slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy
leaning on


a

wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them
know he means
business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do
you make a
week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and
replies, "I
make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams,
"Here's four


weeks'

pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks
around the


room

and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Pizza delivery
guy
from Domino's."

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a
letter


from

home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her
parents had


sent.


Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter
by the
window,
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the
lamp post
below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a
piece of


paper,

wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and
tossed it out


the

window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled
_expression
and
a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her
door,
insisting
on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a
word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming
Sister," he
replied. " 'Don't Despair' paid 80-to-1."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes


of

your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered
vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M
BROKE!!!"

And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the
young man
wedged
his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too
hasty!" He
said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with
that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure
from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
pretty


good

appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."