Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Golfing miracles
>
>Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled
up
>to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled
>directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water
>parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
>Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward
>the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and
kind
>of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
>chipped the ball onto the green.
>
>The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the
>fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck
>and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack
>close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto
>the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to
the
>pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad,
>where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a
lily
>pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down
>and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the
frog
>squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into
the cup
>for a hole in one.
>
>Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
>Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled
up
>to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled
>directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water
>parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
>Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward
>the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and
kind
>of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
>chipped the ball onto the green.
>
>The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the
>fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck
>and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack
>close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto
>the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to
the
>pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad,
>where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a
lily
>pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down
>and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the
frog
>squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into
the cup
>for a hole in one.
>
>Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Trainee
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
>On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
>"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
>
>The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
>wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
>
>"No" replied the trainee.
>
>"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
>
>The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
>you IDIOT?"
>
>"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
>
>"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
>On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
>"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
>
>The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
>wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
>
>"No" replied the trainee.
>
>"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
>
>The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
>you IDIOT?"
>
>"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
>
>"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Always Proof-Read Your Messages!
Always remember to proof read the message before sending it. Following are
few examples:
A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which
the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to
his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I
wish you were her."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he
ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, "put getting older but you are getting
better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?" The man said,
Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting
better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the
message on the cake.
It read : "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at
the bottom"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Morals of the Story:
1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
few examples:
A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which
the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to
his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I
wish you were her."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he
ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, "put getting older but you are getting
better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?" The man said,
Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting
better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the
message on the cake.
It read : "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at
the bottom"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Morals of the Story:
1. Double proof read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
Who Pissed on Bill's Saxophone?
Subject: Golden Urinal
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill
Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal,
too. But I wouldn't do something so self-induligible!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the
fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone".
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill
Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal,
too. But I wouldn't do something so self-induligible!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the
fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone".
Illusions...Illusions
1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near
impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...
then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the
friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay,
but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha
responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!"
The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out
of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to
choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's
finished.
Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near
impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...
then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the
friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay,
but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha
responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!"
The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out
of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to
choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's
finished.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Newspapers attract specific readers:
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time and if they didn't have to
leave Southern California to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a
seat
on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there
is a country...or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all
that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders
are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course,
that they are not Republicans.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country -- if they could find the time and if they didn't have to
leave Southern California to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a
seat
on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there
is a country...or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all
that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders
are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course,
that they are not Republicans.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.
Why I don't drink beer
Warning!!!! Please Read then Please Play the Video at end of article!!!!!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes
in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by
female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a
guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for
no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking
beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what
happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme
cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall
victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are
male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support
group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here:
Beer Demo
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes
in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by
female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a
guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for
no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking
beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what
happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme
cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall
victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are
male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support
group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here:
Beer Demo
