Wednesday, January 18, 2006
A Woman's Secret ... and her Prayer
>
>There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years.
>
>They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
>
>They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman
>
>had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband
>never to
>
>open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought
about
>
>the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor
said
>
>she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little
old
>man took down
>
>the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it
was
>time
>
>that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found
two
>
>crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her
about
>the
>
>contents.
>
>"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
>
>secret of a happy marriage ! was to never argue. She told me that if I
>
> ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a
doll."
>
>The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
>
>two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him
>
>two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with
>
>happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about
all
>of
>
>this money? Where did it come from?"
>
>"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
>
>A Prayer.
>
>Dear Lord,
>
>I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
>
>Patience for his moods; because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
>
>beat him to death
>
>There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years.
>
>They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
>
>They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman
>
>had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband
>never to
>
>open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought
about
>
>the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor
said
>
>she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little
old
>man took down
>
>the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it
was
>time
>
>that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found
two
>
>crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her
about
>the
>
>contents.
>
>"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
>
>secret of a happy marriage ! was to never argue. She told me that if I
>
> ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a
doll."
>
>The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only
>
>two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him
>
>two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with
>
>happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about
all
>of
>
>this money? Where did it come from?"
>
>"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
>
>A Prayer.
>
>Dear Lord,
>
>I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
>
>Patience for his moods; because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
>
>beat him to death
>
French vs American joke
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
Lawyers
A lawyer went on a duck hunting trip to rural Minnesota. He shot a bird and it fell into a farm field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor, and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded,"I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied,"This is my property,and you are not coming over here. The lawyer, indignantly said."I'm one of the best trial attorneys in New York, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Aparrently, you don't know how we settle disputes out here. We have something called the Minnesota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked,"What's that?" The farmer replied,"Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, and so forth, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney thought about this for a moment, decided that he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer smiled, slowly climbed down from the tractor, and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy ,steel-toed, boot into the lawyer's groin. His second kick to, the midriff, sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours, when the farmer's third kick ,to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to struggle to his feet. Wiping his face, with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, " Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The old farmer replied,"This is my property,and you are not coming over here. The lawyer, indignantly said."I'm one of the best trial attorneys in New York, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Aparrently, you don't know how we settle disputes out here. We have something called the Minnesota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked,"What's that?" The farmer replied,"Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, and so forth, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney thought about this for a moment, decided that he could easily take the old codger, and agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer smiled, slowly climbed down from the tractor, and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy ,steel-toed, boot into the lawyer's groin. His second kick to, the midriff, sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours, when the farmer's third kick ,to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to struggle to his feet. Wiping his face, with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, " Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Oh...that's my wife!
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood
bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when
nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the
grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took
off running.
The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as
she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could
feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got
down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the
situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop
walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the
hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."
The man said, "But officer this is my wife."
The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."
The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on
her."
bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when
nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the
grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took
off running.
The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as
she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could
feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got
down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the
situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop
walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the
hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."
The man said, "But officer this is my wife."
The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."
The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on
her."
Tit for Tat!
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One
sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took
the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably
knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in
it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said
"That looks good. Think I'll have one too."
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is
gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew
returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the
short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples ....this hatred... your spitting in my shoes and me
pissing in your Coke?"
sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took
the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the
window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably
knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in
it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said
"That looks good. Think I'll have one too."
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is
gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew
returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the
short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his
feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples ....this hatred... your spitting in my shoes and me
pissing in your Coke?"
A UN survey? Impossible
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure, because:
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And,
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove...
The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure, because:
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And,
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
DeleteReplyForwardSpamMove...
Ching-lish
Don't fall off your chair!!!
1. In a Beijing hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
2. In a Shanghai hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
3. In a Hangzhou hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid;
4. In a Jilin hotel:
"You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5. In a Wuxi dry cleaner:
Please drop your trousers here for best results."
6. Outside a Tianjin clothing shop:
Order your summer suits quick. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
7. In a Xian tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
8. In a Guilin hotel:
"Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
9. An ad by Kunming dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
10. In a Hangzhou zoo:
"Please do not feed animals. If you have suitable food give it to the guard on duty."
11. In a Taiyuan bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
12. In a Huashan temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman. Even a foreigner if dressed as a man."
1. In a Beijing hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
2. In a Shanghai hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
3. In a Hangzhou hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid;
4. In a Jilin hotel:
"You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5. In a Wuxi dry cleaner:
Please drop your trousers here for best results."
6. Outside a Tianjin clothing shop:
Order your summer suits quick. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
7. In a Xian tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
8. In a Guilin hotel:
"Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
9. An ad by Kunming dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists."
10. In a Hangzhou zoo:
"Please do not feed animals. If you have suitable food give it to the guard on duty."
11. In a Taiyuan bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
12. In a Huashan temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman. Even a foreigner if dressed as a man."
New Financial Jargon
Bull Market: - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market: - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing: - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio: - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker: - Poorer than you were last year.
Buy, Buy: - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor: - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split: - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner: - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow: - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Day Trader: - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Institutional Investor: - Past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.
Enron, Worldcom also created these new terms:-
EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor
EBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tempering.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Chief Fraud Officer
NAV - Normal Andersen valuation
EPS - Eventual prison sentence.
Bear Market: - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing: - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio: - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.
Broker: - Poorer than you were last year.
Buy, Buy: - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Standard & Poor: - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock split: - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner: - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow: - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Day Trader: - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Institutional Investor: - Past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.
Enron, Worldcom also created these new terms:-
EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor
EBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tempering.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Chief Fraud Officer
NAV - Normal Andersen valuation
EPS - Eventual prison sentence.
Can the Pope Drive?
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop :"Bigger"
Chief : "Governor?"
Cop : "Bigger"
Chief : "Senator?"
Cop : "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop : "I think it's Jesus!"
Chief :"What makes you think it's Jesus?"
Cop : "He's got the Pope as his driver!"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop :"Bigger"
Chief : "Governor?"
Cop : "Bigger"
Chief : "Senator?"
Cop : "Bigger"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop : "I think it's Jesus!"
Chief :"What makes you think it's Jesus?"
Cop : "He's got the Pope as his driver!"
What is so exciting about a period (full-stop)?
The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?", the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period. "—"Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?"—"Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."
Three Wishes
==========
A man crawls across Sahara and sees a magic bottle. He opened the bottle and a djinni came out. As djinn usually do, this one promised three wishes to the man who got him free. The man thought for a moment and answered: "First, I want plenty of water, second, I'd like to be totally smooth, and third I want plenty of women of all nations on top of me." The man was turned into a flush toilet in a ladies' restroom at the UN headquarters.
A man crawls across Sahara and sees a magic bottle. He opened the bottle and a djinni came out. As djinn usually do, this one promised three wishes to the man who got him free. The man thought for a moment and answered: "First, I want plenty of water, second, I'd like to be totally smooth, and third I want plenty of women of all nations on top of me." The man was turned into a flush toilet in a ladies' restroom at the UN headquarters.
What's the catch?
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
Damages
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
Warning: Consumption of Alcohol May be Harzardous...
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol
bottles, such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species
and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really
big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to disappear.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE
pregnancy.
bottles, such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species
and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really
big guy named Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to disappear.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE
pregnancy.
Blue Suede Shoes
Two senior ladies met for the first time since they graduated from the university.
One asked the other: "You were always so organized. How did you manage to live such a well-planned life?"
"Well," said her friend, "my first marriage was to a millionaire; my second was to an actor; my third was to a preacher, and now, I am married to an undertaker."
The friend asked: "What do marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"
The other replied, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"
To musicians or music-minded reader: please imagine the bass that goes with the song.
One asked the other: "You were always so organized. How did you manage to live such a well-planned life?"
"Well," said her friend, "my first marriage was to a millionaire; my second was to an actor; my third was to a preacher, and now, I am married to an undertaker."
The friend asked: "What do marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"
The other replied, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"
To musicians or music-minded reader: please imagine the bass that goes with the song.
The Perils of Advanced Cosmetic Surgery
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then
you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I
don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new
procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then
anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little
turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six
months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever
made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under
my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your
boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to
have a beard!"
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then
you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I
don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new
procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then
anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little
turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six
months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever
made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under
my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your
boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to
have a beard!"
Stress test... easy one
Subject: Stress
---------------
*SIMPLE QUESTIONS...*
*If you can't answer these 2 questions, tell yourself "I am under Stress". *
*They are very, very simple questions. Designed to test your stress level.
Not your intelligence.*
*Don't think too much. Just shoot.*
*Here it comes :*
------------------------------
*
**1. What do you call a mouse with two legs? *
*Make a guess & scroll down for the answer.*
*Come on, *
*just say something,*
*quickly ...*
*
*
*Answer for question 1.*
*Mickey Mouse.*
*Did you get it ? - if not, never mind. *
*You still get a second and last chance**.*
*Go on to the second question :*
*2. What do you call a duck with two legs ?** *
* Make a guess & scroll down for the answer. *
*
*
*Answer for question 2.*
*Donald Duck ?? *
*WRONG !!!!*
*Scroll down for the answer.*
*
*
*KNOCK KNOCK...HELLO!!!!! ARE YOU AWAKE ?????*
*ALL DUCKS HAVE TWO LEGS !!!!*
*Looks like U are under stress !!!! *
*Hahaha....it's time to take that break................*
---------------
*SIMPLE QUESTIONS...*
*If you can't answer these 2 questions, tell yourself "I am under Stress". *
*They are very, very simple questions. Designed to test your stress level.
Not your intelligence.*
*Don't think too much. Just shoot.*
*Here it comes :*
------------------------------
*
**1. What do you call a mouse with two legs? *
*Make a guess & scroll down for the answer.*
*Come on, *
*just say something,*
*quickly ...*
*
*
*Answer for question 1.*
*Mickey Mouse.*
*Did you get it ? - if not, never mind. *
*You still get a second and last chance**.*
*Go on to the second question :*
*2. What do you call a duck with two legs ?** *
* Make a guess & scroll down for the answer. *
*
*
*Answer for question 2.*
*Donald Duck ?? *
*WRONG !!!!*
*Scroll down for the answer.*
*
*
*KNOCK KNOCK...HELLO!!!!! ARE YOU AWAKE ?????*
*ALL DUCKS HAVE TWO LEGS !!!!*
*Looks like U are under stress !!!! *
*Hahaha....it's time to take that break................*
Sexsomnia, Raping While Asleep, Not A Crime
(Toronto, Canada) In 2003, a 33-year-old Canadian, Jan Luedecke, went to a party and had sex with a sleeping woman. She awoke and pushed him off. Subsequently, she filed a criminal complaint and Luedecke was arrested and charged with sexual assault.
At his trial, sleep experts testified that Luedecke wasn't responsible for his behavior because he suffers from sexsomnia, a disorder similar to sleepwalking. Luedecke also suffers from parasomnia. Justice Russell Otter bought the defense's argument and acquitted Luedecke.
From CBC News:
The court heard Jan Luedecke and the woman met at a party in July 2003. Both had been drinking and the woman fell asleep on a couch. She woke up to find him having sex with her and pushed him off.
Luedecke testified he only suspected he had been having sex when he went to the bathroom and discovered he was wearing a condom. He confessed to police.
Sleep expert Dr. Colin Shapiro testified that Luedecke had parasomnia, a disorder with symptoms such as sleepwalking. The doctor also said Luedecke suffered from "sexsomnia," which is sexual behaviour during sleep.
The victim, who hasn't been identified, was outraged by the verdict and left the courtroom in tears. She plans to appeal, believing a precedent has been set by the decision. "I believe the floodgates have been opened," she said.
Excuse me for being cynical, but I too believe the ruling establishes a precedent. The verdict in the case is effectively a license for Luedecke to sexually impose himself on any sleeping woman he's near.
The sleepsex defense has been used before but, the Luedecke case may be the first time that it's legally eliminated culpability in rape. As a result, I wouldn't be surprised if other men now become emboldened to reveal their repressed, or newly diagnosed, sleepboffing disorders. After all, each can now plead, "Judge, I didn't know what I was doing. I was asleep."
It's probably not unreasonable to predict that, given enough time, crime will be eliminated in society by psychologists reclassifying all criminal behavior as medical conditions in need of teatment.
At his trial, sleep experts testified that Luedecke wasn't responsible for his behavior because he suffers from sexsomnia, a disorder similar to sleepwalking. Luedecke also suffers from parasomnia. Justice Russell Otter bought the defense's argument and acquitted Luedecke.
From CBC News:
The court heard Jan Luedecke and the woman met at a party in July 2003. Both had been drinking and the woman fell asleep on a couch. She woke up to find him having sex with her and pushed him off.
Luedecke testified he only suspected he had been having sex when he went to the bathroom and discovered he was wearing a condom. He confessed to police.
Sleep expert Dr. Colin Shapiro testified that Luedecke had parasomnia, a disorder with symptoms such as sleepwalking. The doctor also said Luedecke suffered from "sexsomnia," which is sexual behaviour during sleep.
The victim, who hasn't been identified, was outraged by the verdict and left the courtroom in tears. She plans to appeal, believing a precedent has been set by the decision. "I believe the floodgates have been opened," she said.
Excuse me for being cynical, but I too believe the ruling establishes a precedent. The verdict in the case is effectively a license for Luedecke to sexually impose himself on any sleeping woman he's near.
The sleepsex defense has been used before but, the Luedecke case may be the first time that it's legally eliminated culpability in rape. As a result, I wouldn't be surprised if other men now become emboldened to reveal their repressed, or newly diagnosed, sleepboffing disorders. After all, each can now plead, "Judge, I didn't know what I was doing. I was asleep."
It's probably not unreasonable to predict that, given enough time, crime will be eliminated in society by psychologists reclassifying all criminal behavior as medical conditions in need of teatment.
Forgiving
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated
his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front
and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years &
not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated
his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front
and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years &
not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Philosopher or fool?
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely known for his wisdom.
One day, an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're uncertain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter – the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is not TRUE nor GOOD nor even USEFUL, why tell it to me at all?"
The man felt ashamed.
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife!
One day, an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're uncertain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter – the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is not TRUE nor GOOD nor even USEFUL, why tell it to me at all?"
The man felt ashamed.
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was sleeping with his wife!
I can see clearly now
After a few gaffes, I have decided that it is best not to tell anyone directly who he or she looks like.
Women, especially, are generally vain and like to think of themselves as prettier than what others would normally think of them.
Once, I mentioned to a lady that she looks like a teacher we know. "Do I look like her?" she said, visibly disappointed. Later, I realized she meant, "surely I look prettier than her!"
It is even worse, for example, to say someone looks like his or her daddy or mummy, when in fact, he or she was adopted!
With DNA tests these days, some dark secrets are bound to come out sooner or later. Some people have dominant genes and their features are likely to be carried by their offsprings. For such cases, even without tests, people would be talking behind their back. That is, if they have any dark secrets!
Midwife asked young woman in maternity ward if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
" I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, and immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark!"
Women, especially, are generally vain and like to think of themselves as prettier than what others would normally think of them.
Once, I mentioned to a lady that she looks like a teacher we know. "Do I look like her?" she said, visibly disappointed. Later, I realized she meant, "surely I look prettier than her!"
It is even worse, for example, to say someone looks like his or her daddy or mummy, when in fact, he or she was adopted!
With DNA tests these days, some dark secrets are bound to come out sooner or later. Some people have dominant genes and their features are likely to be carried by their offsprings. For such cases, even without tests, people would be talking behind their back. That is, if they have any dark secrets!
Midwife asked young woman in maternity ward if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
" I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, and immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark!"
Management math
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that...
While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullShiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that...
While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullShiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Look East, but not for English
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
- from a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo.
- from a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo.
Probability and the Mathematician
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know—she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right—how freaking likely is THAT to happen?"
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know—she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right—how freaking likely is THAT to happen?"
What is a Good Weekend?
A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home.
When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a good time, he said, "If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect."
When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a good time, he said, "If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect."
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Best pub ever
A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer ice cold and the food exceptional."But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2.""Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims."And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."
A Rare Medical Condition
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.
At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."
The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.
At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."
Creative anger management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out
on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that
anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called
her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After
hanging up
with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same
guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I
wrote his
number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk
drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
Patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that
spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd
better
call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, It is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and
the
car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number
to
my
Speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with
my
Black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start
Saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2. Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to
kill
my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going
down
on West 34thStreet.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff
really works.
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out
on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that
anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called
her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After
hanging up
with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same
guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I
wrote his
number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk
drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
Patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that
spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd
better
call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, It is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and
the
car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number
to
my
Speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with
my
Black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start
Saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2. Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to
kill
my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going
down
on West 34thStreet.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front
of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff
really works.
An Atheist Professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.
He asks one of his new students to stand and.....
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella.Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, or smelled your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that.There is no such thing as cold.Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker,wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you a! re making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God.You are viewing the concept of God as something finite,something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a
thought.It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen,much less fully understood either one.To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process,yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes,sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour,are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a preacher rather than a scientist?
(The class is in uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class ! breaks out into laughter.)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain,felt it, touched or smelled it?
No one appears to have done. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol,science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it, sir.. The link between man & God is FAITH.That is all that keeps things moving & alive.
Now guess who the student is ?????
That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN
He asks one of his new students to stand and.....
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella.Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, or smelled your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that.There is no such thing as cold.Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker,wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you a! re making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God.You are viewing the concept of God as something finite,something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a
thought.It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen,much less fully understood either one.To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process,yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes,sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour,are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a preacher rather than a scientist?
(The class is in uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class ! breaks out into laughter.)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain,felt it, touched or smelled it?
No one appears to have done. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol,science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it, sir.. The link between man & God is FAITH.That is all that keeps things moving & alive.
Now guess who the student is ?????
That young man was ALBERT EINSTEIN
W A T E R
I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!
Shipwreck
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck...
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A couple of months passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk"
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A couple of months passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk"
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
The Eye
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and saw a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back to her.
"Oh my! I am so sorry ", the woman said, as she popped her eye back in it's place. "Let me buy your dinner, to say thankyou," she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre and followed up with drinks. They talked, they laughed, and she shared her deepest dreams with him. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast . The guy was amazed!! Everything had been so incredible!!! !
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye"
The Eye
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and saw a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back to her.
"Oh my! I am so sorry ", the woman said, as she popped her eye back in it's place. "Let me buy your dinner, to say thankyou," she said.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre and followed up with drinks. They talked, they laughed, and she shared her deepest dreams with him. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap, and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast . The guy was amazed!! Everything had been so incredible!!! !
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replied, "you just happened to catch my eye"
The Perfect Chain Letter
At last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your male friends.
INSTRUCTIONS:
anesthetize your wife, and put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the mail.
Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you mailed off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!
One guy for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial __expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the guy that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........ send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; none of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake
posted by badgerbob at 12:11 AM 8 comments
At last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your male friends.
INSTRUCTIONS:
anesthetize your wife, and put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the mail.
Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you mailed off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!
One guy for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial __expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the guy that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........ send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; none of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake
posted by badgerbob at 12:11 AM 8 comments
Gender Bending
You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female.
Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female.
Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
The Painter
A blonde woman decided one day, that she was sick and tired of hearing her husband
tell blonde jokes, and listening to him say, that so many blondes are just plain dumb. So she decided to set an example, to show her husband that lots of blondes really are smart.
While her husband was at work, she decided that she would paint the house, and so she set to work.
Later, that afternoon, her husband arrived home to the distinctive smell of paint.
He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor, in a pool of sweat, looking exhausted.
He found it odd, that she was wearing a winter parka and a leather jacket at the same time, and asked her if she felt ok.
She said she was just a little overheated from working, all day.
He asked what she had been doing, and she said that she had wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and had decided to do this by painting the house.
He thought about this for a minute, and then asked her, why she had on a parka, over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..........
For best results, put on two coats!!
tell blonde jokes, and listening to him say, that so many blondes are just plain dumb. So she decided to set an example, to show her husband that lots of blondes really are smart.
While her husband was at work, she decided that she would paint the house, and so she set to work.
Later, that afternoon, her husband arrived home to the distinctive smell of paint.
He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor, in a pool of sweat, looking exhausted.
He found it odd, that she was wearing a winter parka and a leather jacket at the same time, and asked her if she felt ok.
She said she was just a little overheated from working, all day.
He asked what she had been doing, and she said that she had wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and had decided to do this by painting the house.
He thought about this for a minute, and then asked her, why she had on a parka, over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..........
For best results, put on two coats!!
The Little Guy
A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking,and minding his own business when all of a sudden a great big guy came in and --WHACK!! -- knocked him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The little guy said ''What the fuck,'' but when he turned and saw how big the guy was, he decided to let it go. So he got back up on his stool and started drinking again.
All of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocked him down AGAIN and said, ''That was a judo chop from Japan.''
The little guy thought to himself," I've had had enough of this". He got up, brushed himself off and quietly left. He returned about an hour later, and saw that the big guy was still there.. Without saying a word, he walked up behind the big guy and --Whack!!!-- nailed him in the back of the head. The big guy hit the floor like a ton of bricks!!!
The little guy looked at the bartender and said, ''When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.''
The little guy said ''What the fuck,'' but when he turned and saw how big the guy was, he decided to let it go. So he got back up on his stool and started drinking again.
All of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocked him down AGAIN and said, ''That was a judo chop from Japan.''
The little guy thought to himself," I've had had enough of this". He got up, brushed himself off and quietly left. He returned about an hour later, and saw that the big guy was still there.. Without saying a word, he walked up behind the big guy and --Whack!!!-- nailed him in the back of the head. The big guy hit the floor like a ton of bricks!!!
The little guy looked at the bartender and said, ''When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.''
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that? ". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved! '. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet? ". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that? ". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved! '. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet? ". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Testicles
A guy was lying in a hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, and breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady came round the ward with a snack and newspaper cart, and when she got to his room , asked if there was anything she could do for him. The guy looked at her and asked "Please tell me if my testicles are black?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replied.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glanced around , and seeing there were no doctors or nurses around, said "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulled back the bedcovers, lifted his cock out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand told him, "No, they look fine to me".
The guy jerked off his oxygen mask and said "I asked, Are my test results back?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replied.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glanced around , and seeing there were no doctors or nurses around, said "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulled back the bedcovers, lifted his cock out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand told him, "No, they look fine to me".
The guy jerked off his oxygen mask and said "I asked, Are my test results back?"
Women versus men
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Beware of mindless adaptation
Two families moved from Saudi Arabia to the USA. When they arrived the two
fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more
American would win.
A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud.
How about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more
American would win.
A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud.
How about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
