MUCOLYTIC

(Guiltlessly ripped from ClickMoMukhaMo! Sorry, Mark.)

Memo
Re: Appropriate Job Titles

Siguro napapanahon ng palitan ang mga titulo ng mga katungkulan, Trabaho(job title), o “elected positions” na dati nating nakasanayan. Nakalista sa baba ay mga titulo ng mga posisyon sa English at ang bagong nababagay na bansag sa kanila sa wikang Pilipino:

1. President – Pasimuno
2. Vice President - Kunsintidor
3. Secretary - Palsipikador
4. Treasurer - Kubrador
5. Auditor - Kasabwat
6. Business Manager - Gastador
7. Public Relations Officer - Tsismoso
8. Sergeant-at-Arms - Pasaway
9. Representative - Pahamak
10. Observer - Usisero
11. Advocate - Taga-batikos
12. Spokesman - Bolero
13. Moderator - Taga-bulabog
14. Announcer - Manggugulat
15. Monitor - Taga-silip
16. Inspector - Taga-lapirot
17. Investigator - Mangangalkal
18. Enforcer - Tirador
19. Jail Warden - Sadista
20. Prosecutor - Tagapaglait
21. Judge - Pilato o Tagahugas-kamay
22. Aide - Taga-istorbo
23. Assistant - Galamay
24. Adviser - Sulsol
25. Consultant - Manggagancho
26. Contractor - Estapador
27. Expert - Punong-Yabang
28. Technical Writer - Manlilinlang
29. Spin Doctor - Taga-himas
30. Headhunter - Taga-silat
31. Headshrinker - Basagulero
32. Director - Taga-udyok
33. Manager - Taga-silip ng stock ng Boss
34. Supervisor - Taga-salo ng galit ng Boss
35. Sales Vendor - Pirata
36. Lawyer - Pang-gulo
37. Plastic Surgeon - Tiga-Sipsip ng Taba
38. Doctor - Tiga-Sipsip ng Pera
39. Distributor - Taga-kalat
40. Delivery Man - Taga-iwan ng Gamit
41. Circulation Head - Taga-bilog ng Ulo
42. Purchaser - Palengkera
43. Receptionist - Palikera
44. Clerk Typist - Taga-parami ng Papel
45. Messenger - Tagatulak ng Papel
46. Janitor - Taga-limas
47. Plumber - Taga-tagas
48. Repairman - Mambubutingting
49. Gardener - Damuho
50. Utility Man - Inutil
51. Watchman - Istambay
52. Security Guard - Bantay-Salakay
53. Doorman - Nagpapalusot
54. Custodian - Taga-ligpit
55. Dispatcher - Taga-dispatsa
56. Driver - Kaskasero
57. Collector - Mangingikil
58. Chance Passenger - Malas na Nakikiangkas
59. Comedian - Alaskador
60. Entertainer - Kerengkeng

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it
somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or
bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a
while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is
under weight.

You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny!"

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their
first wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning,his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast
including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food.
She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down
for breakfast.

Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate
without them.

The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother,
not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the 18-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and
again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she
called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.As

she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why
they never came down to eat? Once again,the younger brother started
to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again
questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad
once again said, "Mommy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rathertestily.

I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night,
he got my model airplane glue instead!"

Number One Idiot of 2003

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control centre.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her
little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants
are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter
to the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison
to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she had better bring
her daughter to the emergency room right away.
Here's your award, lady. Wear it with pride.



Number Two Idiot of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it
for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing
in on the emergency locator beacon that was activated when the
raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your award, guys.


Number Three Idiot of 2003

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote
"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the street told him
that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America.

(Don't bother with this guy's award. He probably couldn't
read it anyway).



Number four Idiot of 2003

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph
of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40.

Another award (though this guy might be onto something
worth thinking about)!


Number Five Idiot of 2003

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put
it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because
I don't believe you are over 21.

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a award!



Idiot Number Six of 2003

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody moves!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a award, he probably figured it out himself.



Idiot Number Seven of 2003

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.
The brick bounced back and hit the wouldbe thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window
was made of FlexiGlass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that's smart. Give him his award)

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.



Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

They both had the lady TOGETHER.



Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.



Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady

as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for

jobs.



Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.



Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other

man.



Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island-

The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she

was rejected by both.

(Singaporeans can laugh here!)



And finally....



Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island -

The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT

on how to proceed.

(Ok, Malaysians can laugh here!)

Three ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot
informed them that there
was
a technical problem and the plane was going to crash
into the sea.


A Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and
started to doll
herself up.


A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her
actions. The Chinese
lady
replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming
to rescue
survivors
would usually save the pretty ladies first.


On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all
her jewelleries.
An
Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was
curious and questioned
her.


The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her
because she would
easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.


Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.
Both the Chinese
and
Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her. The
Indian woman then
replied
that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors.
They usually look
for
the "Black Box" first!

A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -"very quick".

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".