Saturday, June 18, 2005
Adam
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a
woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for
you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not
nag
you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children.and never ask you to
get
up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Hello Garci jokes
(From the PCIJ blog)
WE’VE seen this during the time of Erap. Once again, with the nation in crisis over the jueteng and wiretapping scandals, the Filipino sentiment is spiced with humor. Like what Joey Reyes wrote, “If they can laugh at a situation, Filipinos argue, they can rise above it.”
I hear there’s even a song in the making entitled “Buking.” It actually has snippets of the conversations or something similar in it. And they now have a ringtone that goes “Hello…hello, Garci…?”
Here are some jokes going around through SMS and the Internet:
Sa dami ng mga batikos hindi magawang magsalita ng ating presidente.
Bakit?! ……………………….
Mahirap na. Baka mabosesan!
===
Latest news update: Iggy Arroyo is now practicing the voice of GMA.
A longer version:
News: Nakatakdang aminin ni Iggy Arroyo na siya ang babaeng boses sa tape. Napabalitang bumalik siya sa kanyang bayan para pag-aralan gayahin ang boses ni gma.
===
Woman: Garci, dy, pasahan mo naman ako ng load, este, ng vote….
===
Garci: Hindi ako nagtatago noh! Nakikipag-phonepal ako kay Saddam!
===
Opposition: Why can’t GMA come out and say ‘i’m not the ma’am in the tape’?
Malacañang: She doesn’t want to lie.
===
Ang mga nangyayari sa ating bansa parang teleserye:
Yung jueteng scandal ang title "Mga anak ng jueteng."
Yun namang gloriagate scandal "Tap si glo!"
===
Babae: Lahat ng mga Arroyo ay magnanakaw.
Lalaki: Ang sakit mo namang magsalita.
Babae: Bakit? Isa ka ba sa mga Arroyo?
Lalaki: Hindi. Magnanakaw ako!
===
Aba naman Gloria napupuno ka ng grasya.
Ang kayamanan ng tao ay sumaiyo na,
Bukod ka pinagpala sa babaeng lahat.
Pinagpala rin ang iyong angkan. Wala nang natira sa
AMEN.
===
Q: What special feature is added in the cellphones of Mike and Mikey Arroyo?
A: Call Jueteng.
Ssssshhhhh! Naka-wire tap, si Gary ito huh
Game Ka Na Ba? jokes
(originally forwarded by one of staff of the TV show)
Q: Yes or no: Sa history, and attack on Pearl Harbor ay naganap ba sa Pearl Farm ng Davao?
A: No
Q: Saan? Sa'n ang Pearl Harbor?
A: Philippines... Ay, Manila?
--------------------
Q: Ano ang humihila o nagpapaandar ng sasakyang rickshaw?
A: Friction? (Scientific siya, in fairness!)
Correct answer: Tao :-)
--------------------
Q: Sa food, aling bahagi ng baboy ang karaniwang sangkap ng tokwa't baboy?
A: Laman? (Sus, napaka-general mo naman, kapatid!)
Correct answer: Tenga
--------------------
Q: Kumpletuhin ang poetic line ni William Ernest Henley na "Invictus": I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my _____________."
(Contestant swipes before choices)
A: Ship? (Di kasi makahintay!)
Correct answer: Soul
--------------------
Q: Ang 5 countries na ang pangalan ay isang syllable lamang:
A: Ghana, Quebec, Japan... Tokyo (Hmmm... tig-2 syllables yon a! And Quebec and Tokyo are not even countries.)
--------------------
Q: Sa food, ano ang tawag natin sa 'ground pork roll'...
(Contestant swipes before choices)
A: Shawarma?
Correct answer: embutido
--------------------
Q: Sa income tax, ano ang ibig sabihin ng initials na TIN?
A: Tax Income Number? (Nag-imbento ba!)
Correct answer: Taxpayer Identification Number
--------------------
Q: Kung ang isang tao ay salbahe at walang kinatatakutan, sinasabi na "halang ang kanyang __________."
A: Maton! Ay, halang ang kaluluwa!
Correct answer: Bituka
--------------------
Q: Sa mga inumin, ano sa Tagalog ang "gelatin with tapioca pearls"?
A: Ahm... sandali...
Kris: Hindi puede'ng sandali dito...
--------------------
Q: Sa 2000 movie na 'Coyote Ugly', ang Coyote Ugly ay pangalan ng isang: A: babae...
(contestant swipes)
A: Ahm... babae?
Kris: Wrong, the rest can steal!
(contestant swipes)
A: Lalaki?
(Kris rolls her eyes. Understandable naman diba?)
--------------------
Q: Sa Pinoy idioms, ano ang sinasabing namuti sa taong matagal nang naghihintay?
(contestant swipes)
A: Uwak?
(This time hindi lang nag-roll ng eyes si Kris. Tumawa na talaga.)
Correct answer: Mata
--------------------
Q: Yes or no: Sa grammar, ang plural ba ng appendix ay appendicitis?
A: Yes?
--------------------
Q: Bukod sa saging, anong prutas pa ang karaniwang nilalagay sa turon?
A: Ahm... bu... cassava? (Prutas ba yon?)
Kris: (laughs) I have never tried cassava turon in my entire life! And she was about to say buko as well! ... Are you okay? Correct answer is langka.
--------------------
Kris (interviewing): Si ______, married, pero sales secretary. Ano 'yon?
Contestant: Ahm... the secretary of sales?
Kris: (looks bewildered).
--------------------
Q: Sa fairy tale at sa film, ano ang trabaho ng Seven Dwarfs ni Snow White...
(contestant swipes before choices)
A: Katulong ni Snow White? (Laughter from the audience)
Kris: Ulit?
A: Katulong ni Snow White? (At inulit nga!)
Kris: Katulong ni Snow White. Ang layo. The choices would have been farmers, dressmakers, o miners. Correct answer: Miners.
--------------------
Q: Sa putaheng pinaupong manok, saan nakaupo ang manok....
(contestant swipes)
A: Sa plato?
(Hindi kinaya ni Kris): The choices would have been paminta, asin or uling. Correct answer: Asin. Why not? Totoo naman sine-serve sa plato...
--------------------
Q: Sa Pinoy showbiz, si Inday Badiday and tinawag na The Queen of __________.
(contestant swipes before choices)
A: (with conviction) She is the Queen of Talk!
Kris: No, she's not (Si Kris nga naman ang Queen of Talk, Sir).
(another contestant swipes before choices)
A: Queen of talk show?
Correct answer: Queen of Intrigues.
--------------------
Q: Anong singing group ang nagpasikat ng kantang "Sasakyan Kita" na composed ni Lito Camo?
A: Masculados? (Haha! Tunog babae na pala ang mga Masculados!)
--------------------
Q: Anong Arctic sea animal ang may tusk? A: Sea Lion; B: Manatee...
(contestant swipes)
A: Platypus (Maryosep, kailan ito tinubuan ng tusk?)
Correct answer: C: Walrus
--------------------
Q: Ayon sa '70s hit ng Bread, who "draws the crowd and plays so loud"?
(contestant swipes before choices)
A: Aubrey? (Huh?)
Kris: The choices: A: The Drummer, B: The Rocker, C: The Guitar Man. Correct answer: The Guitar Man
--------------------
Q: Sa mga inumin, anong cocktail ang tawag din sa tao na 'living dead'?
A: Mummy?
Kris: May inumin bang Mummy?
Correct answer: Zombie
--------------------
Q: Sa food, ano sa Tagalog ang 'bitter melon with beef'?
A1: Ampalaya?
Kris: Dagdagan mo.
(buzzer)
Kris: The rest can steal
A2: Ampalaya na may baka (at siya mismo ay natawa sa sagot niya).
Correct answer: Ampalaya con carne
--------------------
Q: Kumpletuhin ang classic line sa pelikulang 'Jerry Maguire': "You had me at ______________."
(contestant swipes before choices)
A: At pointblank? (Huh?)
Correct answer: Hello
--------------------
Q: Yes or no: Sa Australian city ng Sydney, and Opera House ay bahay ba para sa mga pasyenteng ooperahan?
A: Bahay? (Whoa).
Correct answer: No
--------------------
Q: Anong ballgame and mabubuo 'pag pinagsama ang mga nickname ng dalawang Philippine senators na dating military officers?
A: Basketball?
Kris: Meron ba tayong senator na Basket ang nickname at meron bang Ball? You're wrong! The others can steal!
A: Volleyball?
Correct answer: Pingpong (Ping Lacson and Pong Biazon)
