MUCOLYTIC

(new old joke; forwarded mail stolen/recovered from How to Live)

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over America.


My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ( )'s were crossed-out.]

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

(new old joke du jour)

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘’House'’ for instance, is feminine: ‘’la casa.'’ ‘’Pencil,'’ however, is masculine: “el lapiz.'’

A student asked, ‘’What gender is ‘computer’?'’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘’computer'’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘’computer'’ should definitely be of the feminine gender ('’la computer'’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on
accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('’el computer'’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have
gotten a better model.

The women won!