MUCOLYTIC

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
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> (Passing requires 4 correct answers)
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> 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
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> 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
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> 3) From which animal do we get catgut?
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> 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
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> 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
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> 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
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> 7) What was King George VI's first name?
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> 8) What color is a purple finch?
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> 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
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> 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
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> All done? Check your answers below!
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> ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
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> 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
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> *116 years
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> 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
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> *Ecuador
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> 3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
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> *Sheep and Horses
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> 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
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> *November
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> 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
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> *Squirrel fur
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> 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
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> *Dogs
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> 7) What was King George VI's first name?
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> *Albert
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> 8) What color is a purple finch?
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> *Crimson
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> 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
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> *New Zealand
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> 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
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> *Orange, of course.
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> What do you mean you failed?!
> Pass this on to some other brilliant friends, he he he.
>

You speak English?

This is an anecdote pinned on the noticeboard of the dietetics department at Monash University, Melbourne:


NUTRITION FACTS

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attack than the
Aussies, British or Americans.

Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attack than the
Aussies, British or Americans.

African drinks very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attack than
the Aussies, British or Americans.

Italian drink large amount of red wine and suffer fewer heart attack
than the Aussies, British or Americans.

Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

> CALL TO PEACE

> An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would
have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He
explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant
potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and
dig up the garden for me. I love you,
> Your Father"
>
> The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have
hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too,
> Ahmed"
>
> At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit
the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch,
but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
>
> A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved
Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here. I love you,
> Ahmed." Wassalaam

>>Date: Wed, 03 Nov 2004 13:56:10 +0800
>>
>> "The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the
>> waters close to Japan have not held many fish for
>> decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing
>> boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The
>> farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to
>> bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a
>> few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did
>> not like the taste. To solve this problem, fishing
>> companies installed freezers on their boats. They
>> would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers
>> allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer.
>> However, the Japanese could taste the difference
>> between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen
>> fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.
>>
>> So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would
>> catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to
>> fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped
>> moving. They were tired and dull, but alive.
>> Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the
>> difference. Because the fish did not move for days,
>> they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese
>> preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish
>> fish. So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this
>> problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan?
>>
>> If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you
>> recommend? As soon as you reach your goals, such as
>> finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company,
>>paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion.
>>You don't need to work so hard so you relax. You experience
>>the same problem as lottery winners who waste their money,
>>wealthy heirs who never grow up and bored homemakers who
>>get addicted to prescription drugs.
>>
>>Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple.
>>It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
>>"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a
>>challenging environment."- L. Ron Hubbard.
>>
>> The Benefits of a Challenge:
>>
>> The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are,
>>the more you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges
>>are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering
>>those challenges, you are happy.
>> You think of your challenges and get energized. You
>>are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You
>>are alive!
>>
>> How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:
>>
>> To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing
>> companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now
>> they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a
>> few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively
>> state.The fish are challenged.
>>
>> Recommendations:
>>
>> Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat
>> the heck out of them. Enjoy the game.
>>
>> If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do
>> not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead,
>> reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge,
>> more help. If you have met your goals, set some bigger
>> goals. Once you meet your personal or family needs,
>> move onto goals for your group, the society, even
>> mankind. Don't create success and lie in it. You have
>> resources, skills and abilities to make a difference."
>>
>> So, put a shark in your tank and see how far you can
>> really go!"

Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five hundred apples on the tree, but each apple has just ten seeds. That's a lot of seeds! We might ask, "Why would you need so many seeds to grow just a few more apple trees?" Nature has something to teach us here. It's telling us: "Not all seeds grow. In life, most seeds never grow. So if you really want to make something happen, you had better try more than once."



This might mean:
· You'll attend twenty interviews to get one job.
· You'll interview forty people to find one good employee.
· You'll talk to fifty people to sell one house, one car, one vacuum cleaner, one insurance policy, or a business idea.
· And you might meet a hundred acquaintances just to find one special friend.

When we understand the "Law of the Seed", we don't get so disappointed.
We stop feeling like victims. We learn how to deal with things that happen to us.

Laws of nature are not things to take personally.

We just need to understand them - and work with them.



IN A NUTSHELL
Successful people fail more often. But they plant more seeds.
When Things Are Beyond your control, here's something that you must NOT DO so as to avoid misery in your life:
- You must not decide how you think the world SHOULD be.
- You must not make rules for how everyone SHOULD behave.
- Then, when the world doesn't obey your rules, you get angry
- That's what miserable people do!

On the other hand, let's say you expect that:
- Friends SHOULD return favours.
- People SHOULD appreciate you.
- Planes SHOULD arrive on time.
- Everyone SHOULD be honest.
- Your husband or best friend SHOULD remember your birthday.

These expectations may sound reasonable. But often, these things won't happen!
- So you end up frustrated and disappointed.
- There's a better strategy. Demand less, and instead, have preferences!
- For things that are beyond your control, tell yourself:
- "I would prefer "A", but if "B" happens, it's OK too!"



This is really a change in mindset. It is a shift in attitude, and it gives you more peace of mind ...
You prefer that people are polite ... but when they are rude, it doesn't ruin your day.
You prefer sunshine...but if it rains, it is ok too!
To become happier, we either need to change the world or change our thinking. It is easier to change our Thinking!

In summary
It is not the problem that is the issue, but rather it is your attitude attending to the problem that is the problem.

It's not what happens to you that determine your happiness. It's how you think about what happens to you!



----

=======
Here's a wonderful story about responsibility and accountability.
The sales manager of a dog food company asked his salespeople how they
liked the company's new advertising program. "Great! Best in the
business!" the salespeople responded.
"How do you like our new label and package?"
"Great! Best in the business!" the sales people responded.
"How do you like our sales force?"
They were the sales force. They had to admit they were good.
"Okay, then," said the manager. "So we've got the best label, the best
package and the best advertising program being sold by the best sales
force in the business. Tell me why we are in seventeenth place in the
dog food business?"
There was silence. Finally someone said, "It's those lousy dogs. They
won't eat the stuff!"
(Taken from "Developing the Leader Within You" by John Maxwell)
Moral of the story:
"There are two types of people. Some people are into results and some
are into reasons, reasons why they can't produce results." - Peter
Drucker

Actual letter of resignation from an employee of a computer company in USA, to his boss, who soon resigned very soon afterwards

Dear Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.
You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely
D Brewer.
Nov 5, 2002

Medical howlers
Real jokes from real life doctors that can't be dreamt up.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

During a patient's two weeks follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undressed and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Oct 18, 2002

This was voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia in 2001.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at th e conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man w as told he would have to wait for a later flight.
He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was havin g a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his w ife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.

** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Professor and his girls
An elderly, tenured professor of philosophy at Stanford University always start every class with a somewhat vulgar joke.
While the guys always enjoyed the comical break, many of the femmes took the risqué humour as a personal affront.
After one particular example, the women in the class decided to band together and walk out as a group the next time he started one of his bawdy jokes.
The professor, getting wind of their plot to disrupt his daily repartee, decided to seemingly play into their hands...
The very next morning he walked into the classroom and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the terrible shortage of whores in Iraq?"
With that, all of the women stood up in a huff and headed straight for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The plane doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Few people come up with more wacky ideas than the japanese. An engineer there is making sex more pleasurable by creating a vibrating condom.

Introduced at the international show of inventions in Geneva in April, the conentional condom has a hard plastic ring at the base. It is fitted with a tiny spherical vibrator, which gives extra pleasure to the woman during sex.

The new sex toy invention is currently undergoing tests with the help of porno actors. Women reported the possibility of experiencing two pleasures at the same time. It is wireless.

The vendor thinks it will catch on.

"A lot of men think that women like the back and forth movement in sex. This is absolutely wrong," said a porno actor. "They would rather prefer to have the penis inside producing up and down movements."

At the exhibition was another invention: an anti-hemorrhoid chair which aimed at relieving a seating individual from such discomfort as constipation, hemorrhoid and poor blood circulation.

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a senior manager or a CEO

Try to think hard before u go down for the answer.

Once there was loving couple travelling in a bus in a mountainous area.
They decided to get down at some place.
The couple disembarked and the bus moved on.
As the bus moved on, a humongous rock fell on the bus from the mountain and crushed the bus to crumbs.
Everybody on board was killed.
The couple upon seeing that, said, "We wish we were on that bus".
Why do u think they said that?










Scroll down for the answer











You might want to think again........











Give it another try....










Go on.... think....










Try harder...











Okay then....













Answer!!!!
if they had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get down, the resulting time delay could have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed ....!!!

A Sexual Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.

5-Storey Hotel

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friend continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is ill one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man'sreputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends......................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion..........................................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..............................................$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.......... Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD

(Q1) What do you put in a toaster?
Answer the question before you scroll down......................
























Answer:- Bread....

If you said "toast" then give up now and go and find yourself a shoe box as you can't handle life....

If you said "bread" then please progress on to question 2.

(Q2) Say "silk" 5 times, now spell "silk"..... What do cows drink?
























Answer:- "Water"

If you said "milk", then may I suggest that you do not try the next question, as it may seem that your brain cell is over-taxed, you need a holiday... May I suggest children's world?

If you said "water" then you may go onto question 3 .

(Q3) If a red house is made from red bricks, a blue house is made out of blue bricks, a pink house is made out of pink bricks, a black house is made out of black bricks.... What is a green house made out of?
























Answer:- "Glass"

If you said "green bricks" then what the hell are you still doing here reading these questions!!!!

If you said "glass" then please progress onto question 4 .

(Q4) 20 years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 ft, over the old country Germany when 2 of the engines fail, the pilot realising that the last remaining engine was failing, decides a crash landing procedure, but unfortunately the engine fails before time and the plane crashes smack bang in the middle of "No Man's Land", the land between East Germany and West Germany in the middle of the Berlin Wall. Where would you bury the survivors: East Germany, West Germany or in "No Man's Land?"
























Answer:- You don't bury "survivors."

If you said anything other than the sentence above then please never fly, you may cause more damage should the plane crash!!!

If you said the sentence above then carry on to question 5.

(Q5) If on a clock the hour hand moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand travel in 1 hour?
























Answer:- "1 Degree."

If you said "360 degrees", or anything other than the answer, may I congratulate you on getting this far... but be honest with yourself, do you think you can handle the last and final question?

If you said "1 degree" then please go on to the last question.

(Q6) **Without using a calculator**

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven (Wales).
In London 17 people get on the bus,
In Reading 6 people get off, 9 people get on,
In Swindon 2 people get off, 4 people get on,
In Cardiff 11 people get off,16 people get on,
In Swansea 3 people get off, 5 people get on,
In Carmarthen, 6 people get off,3 people get on
The bus then pulls into Milford have bus depot.....

What was the name of the bus driver?
























Answer:- "Your name". Read the first line.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately go to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days, for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up," doc. The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!". The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease. " The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to to opulate! "Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeky. Dick fall off by self!"

A panda comes into a restaurant, orders his meal, eats it, stands up and shoots everybody and then leaves the place.

A post-mortem later reveals what a panda is consistently capable of.

A panda only eats shoots and leaves.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

> >
> > Hi,
> >
> > Attached below are some concepts of Marketing. It won't help you to pass
> > your maketing exam paper but it is a good way to remember definations.
> >
> >
> >
> > You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
> > You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
> > That's Direct Marketing
> >
> > You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
> > One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very
> > rich. Marry him."
> > That's Advertising.
> >
> > You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
> > You go up to her and get her telephone number.
> > The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
> > That's Telemarketing.
> >
> > You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
> > You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a
> > drink.
> > You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her
> > a
> > ride and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
> > That's Public Relations.
> >
> > You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
> > She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
> > That's Brand Recognition.
> >
> > You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
> > You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
> > She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
> >
> > That's Customer Feedback
> >
> > -
> >

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One
line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women
are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were
dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of
men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your
mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made
me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage
to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand
here."

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how
come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but
when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"

His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat
daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...

"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes
by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly
gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times
have you cheated on your wife?"

The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books,
discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to
drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a
Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a
bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto
driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a
long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two
query him as to "why the sad face?".

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife,
she was on a skateboard!"

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!! A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say 'I'm fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, haha...." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too,hahaha.." Then there was a long silence in the meeting room

>A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
>On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
>"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
>
>The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
>wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
>
>"No" replied the trainee.
>
>"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
>
>The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
>you IDIOT?"
>
>"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
>
>"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

>
>Stress Reliever #1
>Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
>Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
>picture and the problem disappears.
>Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
>Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
>there be greater than this one?"
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 2
>Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
>and lighten your burden.
>Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
>troubles.
>Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 3
>Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
>give up my seat to a lady.
>Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
>Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 4
>Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
>night?"
>Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
>Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
>Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 5
>Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
>Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 6
>A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
>"My father grows beans," said one student.
>"My father cooks beans," said another.
>Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 7
>Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
>millionaire to?"
>Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
>Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
>married her?"
>Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 8
>Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
>The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 9
>A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
>He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 10
>Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
>sleeping with?
>Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 11
>Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
>Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 12
>A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
>or my sexy body?
>He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
>humour.
>
>________________________________________________________________________
>Stress Reliever # 13
>Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
>you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
>Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
>
>
>

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from the little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied. The husband and wife agreed on the two wishes.....one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was an income of RM1,000, 000.00 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not had a woman for so many years now and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and the wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" She replied, "Three years." "How old is your husband?" To which she responded, "Thirty-one years old."

The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

>
>
> Long time ago in the province of India .....
>
>> > As the story goes Ahmed was a high rank official in King Akbar's
>> > court. He had one long-standing wish - to suck the Queen's voluptuous
>> > breasts to his heart's desire. Every time he passed the Queen he got
>> > frustrated. One day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief
>> > adviser, Birbal, and begged him to do something about it.
>> >
>> > Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that, afterward,
>> > Ahmed would have to pay Birbal 1,000 gold coins for arranging things.
>> >
>> >
>> > Ahmed agreed.
>> >
>> > The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured
>> > it into the Queen's bra that she had left out while she was taking a
>> > bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the
>> > King's anxiety.
>> >
>> > Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that only special
>> > saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added
>> > that such saliva was only to be found in Ahmed's mouth. King Akbar
>> > summoned Ahmed, and for the next four hours, Ahmed violently sucked
>> > the Queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he got what
>> > he always desired.
>> >
>> > Satisfied, he returned and met Birbal, but since his mission was over
>> > and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Birbal anything, and in
>> > fact he shooed him away. Ahmed, of course knew that Birbal could
>> > never report this matter to the King.
>> >
>> > But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal. Next day, Birbal duly put the
>> > same itching lotion in King Akbar's underwear.
>> >
>> > The King again calls Ahmed.
>> >
>> >
>> > Moral of story: Never Break Your Promise.
>> >

What do you think of this? I am certainly not going to get caught when some pretty girl asks for a donation!

Sperm donor must pay maintenance

A Swedish man who donated sperm to a lesbian couple has been ordered to pay child support for their three children.

In the early 1990s the man, now 39, donated his sperm to a woman in a lesbian relationship. She had three sons, the oldest of whom is now 13 years old.

Although the man signed a document confirming he was the biological father of the children, he told the court the women agreed he would not be involved in their upbringing in any way.

But when the women separated, the biological mother of the three boys demanded child support payments from the man.

He went to court but lost the case and the subsequent appeal before taking the matter to the Supreme Court, the highest appeals court in the country.

The Supreme Court has confirmed the earlier rulings, stating that the biological father is required to pay child support to the mother of the three children he indirectly fathered.

What do you think of this?

Musical breast implants

Computer chips that store music could soon be built into a woman's breast implants.

One boob could hold an MP3 player and the other the person's whole music collection.

BT futurology, who have developed the idea, say it could be available within 15 years.

BT Laboratories' analyst Ian Pearson said flexible plastic electronics would sit inside the breast. A signal would be relayed to headphones, while the device would be controlled by Bluetooth using a panel on the wrist.

According to The Sun he said: "It is now very hard for me to thing of breast implants as just decorative. If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful."

The senors around the body linked through the electrical impulses in the chips may also be able to warn wearers about heart murmurs, blood pressure increases, diabetes and breast cancer.

Believe it or not!

Farmer 'breaks' penis

A newly married Romanian farmer fractured his penis after ogling his young wife while carrying a heavy sack of grain.

Farmer Gheorghe Popa, 52, from Galati, had been moving the grain sacks to the barn when he stopped to watch his 25-year-old wife Loredana hang up the washing.

He got himself over excited and dropped the sack on his erect penis, snapping vital tendons and ligaments.

Doctor Nicolae Bacalbasa said: "It was a bizarre accident, and he was in a lot of pain.

"We have done what we can for him but he may never regain use of the organ again, at least for sexual purposes."

Reality TV for sheep

Animal rights activists in Croatia have blasted a new reality show on the web where viewers vote on which sheep to save from slaughter.

In the show, shown on www.stado.org, seven sheep in a house in Zagreb are filmed non-stop as famous writers come in and read their works to them.

Viewers then vote on which of the sheep is thrown out of the house. After the 'eviction' the sheep has to be 'adopted' by a viewer or it is sent straight to the slaughterhouse.

Activists from the group Friends of Animals said the reality show was "scandalous" and that people were being pressured into adopting a sheep just to save it from slaughter.

The group have asked state veterinary inspectors to investigate.

But the man behind the show, Sinisa Labrovic, said: "I'm not torturing animals. I just wanted to show how people are used in reality shows and become nothing more than sheep."

Can't eat Beef, Mad cow....



Can't eat chicken . bird flu



Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella





Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies


Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the

waters has poisoned their meat





Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides







Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M
M
M
M
M
M

M
M
M
M
M

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Have you wonder why office staff is always dead tired b y the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees. The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:

1. Jumping to conclusion
2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss

4. Going around the circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings

10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck

NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!

I work for money. If you want loyalty, get a dog.

Subject: FW: Husband and Wife Humour

+++


Dear Husband:



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.



Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.



You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Your EX-Wife




~~~~



Dear Ex-Wife



Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.



I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.



When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.



After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.



So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.



My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.



P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

A man who is walking along a cliff all of a sudden loses his balance, slips and falls off, but he has the presence of mind to grab on to the ledge.

He's hanging there for dear life. He's hanging and hanging and finally calls out, 'Is there anybody up there that can help me?"

There's no answer.

He keeps calling and calling and finally this big bellowing voice calls back, 'This is God. I can help you. Just let go and trust.'

Next thing you hear, 'Is there anybody else up there that can help me?'

>Believe it or not...???
>

>
>OK, here's some believes of the hoteliers :
>
>Every single hotel, there shall be at least a permanant room which should
>be left vacant at all times. No matter how full the hotel are, they are not
>to sell that room(s) to any guest. It was said that special room was
>"reserved" for those "special visitors". So, if you plan to stay in some
>hotel, always book in advance. Try to avoid walk in.
>
>If the receptionist told you ther e's no more room available, do not insist
>one anymore or try to bribe them to give you a room. If you do that, most
>of the time the room you have will be that "special room". Sometimes those
>"special visitors" might go to other rooms also, so here's some tips on
>how to protect yourself:
>
>- Before entering your room, always knock on the door first, even you know
>the room is vacant.
>
>- After you enter the room, if you felt very cold suddently and have
>"chicken spore", leave the room quitely immediately and go to reception to
>request to change room. Most of the time the receptionist will understand
>what's happening.
>
>- After you enter the room, immediately switch on all of the lights, and
>open the curtain to let the sun light in.
>
>- before you go to bed, arrange your shoes so that one of them is upside
>down. Some say this is representing yin & yang to protect you while you're
>asleep.
>
>- Always leave at least a lamp on while you're sleeping, preferbly the
>toilet's lamp.
>
>- If you're staying alone and they have give you a twin bed, do not sleep
>with the other bed vacant, try to put your things like luggage on the other
>bed before you sleep.
>
>
>

10ft snake caught in posh flats

A 10ft boa constrictor has been captured after popping up in the loos of a posh block of flats in Manchester.



The snake had terrified tenants since it was first spotted in a toilet last week, reports the Mirror.

It's believed to have been living in sewage pipes for three months after being abandoned by an evicted tenant three months ago.

People had to put bricks on their loo seats to stop the snake, which has been named Keith, slipping into their bathrooms.

Firemen were called in to try to track him down in the pipework but a brave resident of the West Didsbury flats finally trapped him in a bucket.

Keith is now in the care of the RSPCA.

Spokesman Jimmy Ratcliff, an expert on exotic animals, said: "They can swim very well and can hold their breath for more than 20 minutes - though what is out of the ordinary is the size of this snake.

"It has probably been eating rats in the sewer, where it appears to have been living quite happily."

Hey, guys. This one is really, really funny! Try this out...




Go to www.google.com

Type in "Failure", without the quotes

Instead of hitting "Search", hit "I'm feeling Lucky"

See what comes up!
Happy surfing!

Bit of a fix for bride and best man...

Doctors had to be called to separate the bride and best man after they were caught in the act during a wedding in Croatia.

The couple were trapped together by a muscle spasm after a friend of the groom walked in on them as they had sex in the toilets.

Unable to be pulled apart, the couple had to endure a procession of wedding guests who came to see what they had been doing before doctors could turn up.

Unable to help, they had to transport the pair on a stretcher to the local hospital where she was given an injection to relax her muscles, allowing the best man to get free.

The wedding party in Varazdin, Croatia, continued after the groom announced the celebrations were to mark his divorce rather than his wedding, reported daily Slobodna Dalmacija.

> A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:
>
> 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
> Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the
> Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>
> 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
> unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
> went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before
> he ever reached Canada.
>
> 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>
> 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
> wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female
> moth.
>
> 5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
> name.
>
> 6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
> advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
> After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>
> 7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
> Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
>
> 8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
> ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
> made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
>
> 9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
> Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
> the same offense.
>
> 10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple
> while standing on his son's head.

Romanian police caught a female mobile phone thief by dialling the stolen phone - and hearing it ringing from her bum.

Police in Iasi stopped Petronela Brandus, 24, as she tried to get off a bus after other passengers said they saw her steal a mobile phone.

But after a search failed to find the phone, police decided to call the number to see where it was and heard a muffled ringing coming from under the woman's dress.

She was taken to a local police station where a strip search by female police officers revealed she had hidden it up her bottom, local daily 7 Plus reported.

Officer Madalin Taranu said: "We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one.

"The station doctor extracted the phone and we sprayed it with disinfectant before handing it back to its owner."

A patriarchal court system probably won't allow this type of lawsuit to get too far.
A Brazilian woman is suing her partner for not giving her orgasms.

According to Terra Noticias Populares reports, the unnamed 31-year-old filled (sic) a complaint at Chacar Urbana Police station in Jundiai, in the state of Sao Paulo.

She complained that her 38-year-old partner reached an orgasm and then simply stopped the sexual intercourse.

Police chief Jose Roberto Ferraz is investigating the case.

A police spokesperson said: "We will look into it, we will treat it as an ordinary complaint and let the judge decide."
It's interesting that she's not suing her husband, rather, her partner. Just imagine the hilarity if society were to reward women who filed denied-orgasm lawsuits against partners and husbands. Nevertheless, it's a she-said he-said situation since there's no way to prove a woman didn't have an orgasm. Just like there's no way to prove a woman did.

Uh ... Right?

A lack of sleep makes you "fat, stupid and sick", according to German scientists.

Sleep researcher Professor Juergen Zulley from the Regensburg University Hospital in Bavaria said: "It makes you stupid because suffering from sleep deficiency diminishes your memory. Sick, because too little sleep can damage your heart, circulation, stomach and intestines. And fat because while we are sleeping our bodies release a hormone that reduces appetite.

"If the release of this hormone is interrupted because we are not getting a full night's sleep then we quickly feel hungry which causes most people to head straight to the fridge," he said.

He added in order to stay fit and healthy people should regularly have seven hours sleep a night.

Naked woman drops through ceiling

A Russian couple had a narrow escape when their naked neighbour dropped in - through the ceiling.

Rozalia Valiakhmetova had been relaxing in the bath when the floor gave way, dropping her and the bath tub into the flat below.

She said: "I had just dozed off and then I heard this huge crash and realised what had happened. The bathroom floor just collapsed under the bath and I came crashing through the ceiling of the people below me.

"They seemed as shocked as I was when they saw me lying there naked in the bath in the middle of their living room."

She was treated at a local hospital for injuries to her leg but otherwise was unhurt.

Local council engineers said the floors in the old apartment block in Solnechnaya in the Surgut district of Russia where Valiakhmetova lived were supported by wood which had rotted over the years.

'Ugliest man in the world'

A wealthy lawyer says he must be the ugliest man in the world after having 5,000 marriage proposals turned down.



Croatian lawyer, Emil Kacic, who has logged all the failures in a little black book, said: "Money can't buy you love, at least if you have a face like mine."

After placing adverts in local papers stressing his wealth with words like "tender and rich lawyer looks for a pretty lady to marry" and then "disgustingly rich lawyer looks for a pretty lady to marry", he was still unable to find a wife.

He said: "I've got to the point where I have even been asking women I am meeting in the streets to marry me, but they always say no."

Kacic, from Zagreb, said he had now accepted that he must be the ugliest man in the world.

In an interview with daily newspaper, Vecernji List, dejected Kacic said: "I've tried placing all kinds of different ads, but not a single woman I've met through my adverts has accepted my offer. What else is there to believe, other than that I must be the ugliest man in the world."

But disappointment has yet to defeat hope: "No success yet, but I will keep trying," he resolved, adding: "I hope all the publicity over my failed search for love might bring me love at last."

A Belgian man has been jailed for six months for wearing a fake Rolex .

A court in Dendermonde heard that the man, named only as Gunther R, 33, had been spotted by representatives of Rolex wearing the fake watch and they complained to authorities.

The judge ruled the man had knowingly bought the fake and sentenced him to six months in prison under laws for handling counterfeit goods.

He was also ordered to pay a £700 fine for breaching brand name registration laws.

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway,
so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our
neighbor

December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -
20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get
back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought
a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't
in Alaska after all..

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel

Decenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife
and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right.
More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have
to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think
he's lying..

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the
time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too
tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.

December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she...nuts?> Why didn't she tell me to do that
a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well
lying.

December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
@#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling
makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with
my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to kill her

December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th Warmed up to above -
50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing
me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.

December 31st

Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????